Meet the expert

Mr. Lebohang Botsane

CEO and women expert

Mr. Lebohang Botsane is the CEO and Honorary Figure of Basadi Nation Media Group. He is a recognized expert in the fields of African women psychology, women development, and women organizational framework. With a focus on empowering women, Mr. Botsane provides valuable insights and support to foster their personal and professional growth in diverse settings. Through his leadership and expertise, he is dedicated to advancing the well-being and success of women.

1. Marry for Love

The very first and crucial aspect is to marry for love, and it's hard to emphasize enough how vital this is. If you enter into marriage for the wrong reasons, it becomes nearly impossible to get along with your in-laws. However, when love is the driving force behind your union, you not only enjoy the company of your husband but also genuinely appreciate the presence of your in-laws and the loved ones they surround themselves with. Choose to be in a marriage because of love, for the genuine warmth you feel from your future spouse. When love is at the core, building a relationship with your newfound family becomes much easier and more enjoyable

2. Be yourself.

Embracing authenticity is the key, and attempting to fake your habits and alter your personality to appease your in-laws is a definite "no." Remember, there's no need to portray yourself as Mrs. Fantastic, accomplishing everything if you're naturally inclined to be more laid-back. Embrace your true nature, even if it means being lazy at times. By being genuine, you will be accepted for who you truly are, rather than trying to maintain multiple unmanageable personas that might lead to trouble down the road when you're held accountable for a false image. Whether you're visiting your in-laws or there for other reasons, always stay true to yourself. Embrace your authenticity, and you will find that everyone will accept and appreciate you for the genuine person you are.

3. Be respectful (always)

Understanding the significance of respect is crucial, unless you possess a natural inclination towards disrespecting your parents. Respect serves as a fundamental principle not only in marriage but also in our interactions with friends and, indeed, in every aspect of life. Just as you wouldn't want to be disrespected, it's essential to recognize that disrespecting your in-laws is never acceptable. Instead, practice humility and avoid treating everyone as a potential threat to your marriage. Open yourself up to others and embrace the fact that not everyone is your adversary. Those who genuinely respect and love you deserve the best from you, as well as the best for you. By fostering a culture of respect, you strengthen your relationships and create a harmonious environment where everyone can thrive.

4. Always be by your husband's side

This value and habit hold immense importance. Even when you find yourself at odds with your husband's viewpoint, avoid openly disagreeing with him in front of your in-laws. Remember, this is not just about preserving his image, but yours as well. When it comes to your in-laws, choose to respond with a respectful "yes" or "no." Later, address any concerns or disagreements with your husband privately, as a united front. By doing so, you both become each other's advocates, even when you're not physically present. This unbreakable bond will shine through in social engagements beyond your regular circumstances. Extend the same approach to your husband's in-laws, who are now your family. Never engage in negative talk about him with your in-laws, as forgiving him may not come as easily to them. Especially when you need their understanding and support the most, maintaining a positive and respectful perspective will prove invaluable.

5. Gossip with your inlaws

When it comes to interacting with your in-laws, it's important to avoid gossiping about your husband in a negative way. Instead, let gossiping take on a positive twist. Remember, the aim is to avoid casting your husband in a negative light. Embrace the opportunity to highlight your husband's attractive qualities, even if he may resemble someone like Lesilo. After all, he's your Lesilo, and it's about celebrating him. Surprisingly, when your husband makes mistakes, your in-laws may come to your aid and even help address his behavior if necessary. However, refrain from discussing your personal problems or difficulties with them. Seek a trusted confidant, such as a psychologist or wise grandmother from another town, to share those concerns and receive guidance. With your in-laws, focus on sharing lighthearted and joyful moments. Reserve serious matters for family meetings and gatherings where they can be appropriately addressed. Remember to exercise control over your tounge, mtase.

6. Avoid Isolation

Sometimes you might generally be a shy person. Don't let that hold you back. Take courageous steps to engage in conversations, participate in gatherings, and partake in joyful activities with your nieces, brothers, and sisters-in-law. Cultivate meaningful friendships with your in-laws, recognizing that they may play a significant role in your future. Kindness and genuine bonds will pave the way for fruitful relationships. Instead of dwelling on uncertainties about the future, immerse yourself in the various aspects of being a Makoti within your newfound extended family. Embrace every opportunity to be an active and cherished member of this external family, letting your inner boldness shine brightly.

7. Respect your inlaw's beliefs

As you enter your new family as a beloved daughter, anticipate encountering rituals, beliefs, and religious practices that may differ from your own. It's natural to have preferences or reservations about certain customs, but what truly matters is showing respect. It's perfectly alright if you don't fully comprehend or resonate with others' beliefs. However, it is equally important to acknowledge and honor the significance of their unique ways of doing things. Remember, your in-laws are now your family, and this bond goes both ways. Embrace the beauty of cultural diversity, always valuing and respecting the traditions that shape your new family. Let acceptance and understanding be your guiding principles on this enriching journey.

8. Do chores the way you know how

When you visit or are introduced to your in-laws, it's natural to want to make a positive impression. However, it's equally important to maintain a sense of authenticity and avoid feeling overwhelmed by excessive responsibilities. Approach chores and tasks in the same way you usually do, ensuring you feel comfortable and respected during your time there. While it's valuable to be open-minded and willing to learn new things, make sure to communicate politely if adjustments to their schedule are necessary. Resist the urge to drastically change your usual routines in an attempt to impress. For instance, if you typically sweep the yard in a specific z pattern at 7:00 am, don't suddenly switch to a different s pattern at 4:00 am just because you're trying to make a good impression. Remember, it can become burdensome if you take on too much. Stay true to your usual practices and engage in tasks that you are familiar with and comfortable performing. By finding this balance, you can foster a harmonious environment with your in-laws.

9. Tackle a dri-foot like a champion

Preparing meals for funerals, weddings, and ancestral ceremonies can present significant challenges. However, by focusing on the basics, you can navigate these culinary endeavors with confidence. Start by learning how to build a fire effectively, acquiring the skill of handling Lesokoana (a traditional cooking implement), and understanding the proper use of steel wool for pot cleaning. These fundamental skills lay a strong foundation. In the realm of cooking, we often say that if you can cook an egg at home, you can prepare pap (porridge) and meat for large gatherings.

If you consider yourself a novice cook, fret not. Embrace the wealth of knowledge available through cooking shows, magazines, blogs, as well as the wisdom passed down from family and friends. Cooking holds importance not only for pleasing your in-laws but also for nourishing your own family. There's a saying that the way to a man's heart and soul is through his stomach. So, feed him, and feed him well. Remember, with dedication and a willingness to learn, you can master the art of cooking for special occasions, bringing joy and satisfaction to those you cherish.

10. Avoid Lying

It can be tempting to resort to lies when faced with uncomfortable or temporary circumstances. However, it is crucial to resist this temptation, as the repercussions of falsehoods can eventually catch up with you. Instead, choose to either avoid discussing the sensitive topic altogether or politely express your discomfort in addressing it with your in-laws. In Sesotho, there is a wise saying: "Leshano lea qabanya," which translates to "lying simply causes conflicts." Remember that what you say today may be used against you in future family meetings or within your marriage, potentially jeopardizing its health. Exercise caution and mindfulness. When the temptation to lie arises, redirect the conversation or disengage entirely. Honesty is a pillar of trust, and by staying true to this principle, you pave the way for open communication and harmony within your relationships.

11. Be a wife to your husband & a daughter to your inlaws

To excel at being an exceptional Makoti, it is paramount to embody the essence of a loving wife to your husband. Additionally, embrace the role of a caring mother to your children if you have them, and strive to be an exceptional daughter to both your parents and your in-laws. Minimize engaging in debates and avoid unnecessary conflicts, as they only add strain to your marriage. While marriage may present its challenges, love will guide you to fully savor its rewards. As a Makoti, you bear substantial responsibilities — as a wife, a Makoti, a friend, and a respectful daughter to your elders. With the support of those around you, find solace and happiness in fulfilling these roles. Remember, you are capable of achieving greatness in how to Kotiza. Embrace love, embrace your roles, and navigate this journey like a true champion!

12. Behave like a Makoti

Upon completing the lobola process, both your family and your newfound external family will guide you through the essential aspects of being a Makoti. To gain a comprehensive understanding, you can seek additional knowledge from women's initiation schools or participate in programs like "Pitiki." These invaluable resources will equip you with the necessary insights to conduct yourself with grace, treat your husband with respect, engage harmoniously with your in-laws, and foster strong relationships within the entire family. By embracing these teachings, you will navigate the journey of being a Makoti with confidence, enhancing the bonds that connect you to your loved ones and creating a fulfilling and harmonious marital life.

In conclusion, always treat your Mamazala and Ratswale with the same respect and love you would show your own parents. Encourage them to reciprocate the positive energy you share with them. Extend kindness and affection to their children and other members of the extended family. Let love be your guiding blueprint, knowing that it will be returned to you tenfold. If you find yourself in a marriage where you feel unwelcome, it is acceptable to distance yourself from toxicity. However, avoid escalating the situation by engaging in toxic or vindictive behavior towards them. It is often unnecessary. Remember, you entered this marriage not for financial gain, insurance policies, or material possessions, but to love your spouse wholeheartedly. Embrace the joy of sharing your love with your husband, without expecting anything in return. Give your all, and witness how the universe rewards you in its own kind ways. Strive for happiness, create beautiful memories together, and always cherish and love yourself and those around you. Be a true champion in love!